Tuesday, November 10, 2009

First Officer's Log: Assimilation

First Officers Log
Stardate 48329.9

What a day. I was in my quarters, having finally steeled myself up for some serious unpacking, when Captain Baxter called an emergency meeting of the senior staff. Turns out the ship was adrift and we'd floated into Borg territory! I may need to have a talk with Engineer Fassbinder about my previous orders for holodeck maintenance to override all other repair priorities. While the holodecks are vital to the mental health and well-being of the crew(and a ton of fun to boot) I can imagine days like today when functional engines might be preferable. I'll see what Fassbinder thinks, but frankly all our meetings so far have turned creepy, like when he tried to explain how warp theory is a perfect metaphor for humankinds' perpetual spiritual patricide.

Anyway, the Captain and Counselor Japhy got into an argument over who the Borg would try to assimilate first. If I were a betting man, and if bets had any value in our post-monetary society, I would have said the captain. And I'm proud to say I was completely ready to kill him and take command in that eventuality, but it never came up. The Borg didn't show up for what felt like forever, and when they did, they grabbed Japhy! Honestly, between not having to kill the captain and not having to come up with anything nice to say at the living wake Japhy'd scheduled for himself it was kind of a relief. Though now that I think about it, I need to talk to Lt. Watson about how those Borg got the jump on us, he was pretty insistent that his scanners were working. Also: see if Watson can get you any wine from his parents' vineyard, could be good, even if they are moon-supremacists.

I do have to say I was impressed with how the crew jumped into action once the Borg arrived. Lt. Cola did a fine job leading our strike force, even pulling out a person favorite of mine, the Mighty Duck's Flying V formation(another note to self: Its been too long since you coached a ragtag bunch of holographic kids to a hockey championship. Fix that.). Dr. McCloud tried to lend a hand by learning how to punch(he was a little unconcerned about all of our mortal peril for my taste, but I guess thats a Gas Cloud thing). Also: Captain Baxter was at Wolf 359! 40 starships destroyed by the Borg and he lived to tell the tale. I'll have to try and get said tale out of him at some point, but I'm sure its impressive. When it all went down I was in the Beta Quadrant, waiting to be rescued by my crewmates from a weird Spider/Bat thing. God, that thing was relentless.

Not today though: I kill my first Borg. Though when I retell the story I may leave out the fact that it was reeking of purple kush and offering us peace at the time. The fact that Japhy was able to assimilate those Borg into his lifestyle instead of the other way around was something I would not have anticipated, though I will admit he's pretty likable guy. Now that I think about it, in many ways this experience changes everything we know about the Borg, but I guess I shouldn't worry too much about that. The important thing is the ship is safe for another day, and I'm gonna call it a night. I'll probably put my unpacking off for another day too. Until then, there's no mattress like a holodeck mattress.

Cmdr. Corbomite B. Hayes
First Officer U.S.S. Sisyphus

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